A Practical Guide to Setting Family Boundaries
When it comes to our mental health and wellbeing, families can often be the ultimate source of comfort and security. They’re a group of people that get us, who know us inside out and have been there our entire lives. They’ve seen our triumphs and disappointments, our struggles and our celebrations and have watched us grow and develop over the years.
But for many people, families are not the source of comfort and safety they’re supposed to be. In fact, they can be the ultimate button-pushers, or ‘trigger points’, leaving us feeling drained, anxious and upset the more time we spend with certain members of our family. We touched on this in our blog, How to Survive Your Family this Christmas https://creativestatecounselling.com.au/ so let’s unpack this a little more by exploring two essential topics: Boundaries and Assertive Communication.
Firstly, what do we mean by setting boundaries with family? We can think of a boundary as a barrier or firewall that clearly shows others what we are not willing to tolerate in the service of our mental health and wellbeing. Setting boundaries can be relatively straightforward with people we don’t know that well, but we often have deep feelings of guilt and anxiety when we try and implement these around our families. We feel we’re being ungrateful, or dishonouring them, or that we don’t have a right to assert for our mental health, that we’ll be called selfish or ‘dramatic’.
But what if there are ongoing intrusive, toxic and manipulative behaviours of our family that continue, simply because they think it’s normal, and because no one has said anything? What about past hurtful or even abusive behaviours that haven’t been acknowledged or no attempts made to apologise or repair? If our mental health goes into a tailspin when we’re around certain family members, and yes that includes our parents, then it’s time we get some boundaries in place, and pronto.
We can’t fix or change the behaviours of anyone else – that’s their job. But it’s our job to communicate in a calm, but direct way what we are not willing to put up with. This could include a parent or relative constantly coming around unannounced, a family member teasing in a hurtful way or being deliberately disrespectful, someone trying to control and dominate every family event or interaction, or even a family member with an untreated addiction expecting to be rescued each time they get into trouble. Here’s where Assertive Communication (calm but direct) is essential. Below are some examples of how we can set boundaries assertively.
- I hear that you’re upset with my decision to not [boundary in place], but I’m not responsible for those feelings, I’m sorry.
- I need to do this for my mental health, and I don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation.
- Please understand that I have the right to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty.
- I’m unable to meet your expectations regarding this, I’m sorry
- I love you, but this behaviour is detrimental to my mental health so I’m going to have to keep my distance for a while
If you read this and freak out, thinking there’s no WAY you could speak to your family like this – you’re not alone. Many people think this is over-the-top and is likely to create a whole new set of problems if they communicate in this way. This is often due to very deep and very old, internalised beliefs around our own self-worth, exaggerated beliefs that certain family members can do no wrong, and good old-fashioned people-pleasing. Additionally, many people are simply afraid of how their family will react, that if family members are upset, it’s somehow our fault and our responsibility to protect them from these feelings. It isn’t.
This is where we come in. Assertive communication doesn’t come naturally to many people, especially around family. We specialise in teaching people to recognise the difference between aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive and assertive communication, address the barriers that prevent them from asserting for their needs and how to set and maintain boundaries with problematic people in their lives. These are skills and skills can be learned and mastered.
Boundary-setting and assertive communication with family doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It means you have enough self-love and self-respect to put your mental health as a top priority, even if other people may not like it. And they probably won’t. But that’s their responsibility to manage.
Simon van der Stap is a Psychotherapist, Counsellor and Counsellor Educator.